I never got to know you, nor you me.

When you use a proxy to talk, rather than use words and actions face to face, and eye to eye, messages get screwed up. This I learned the hard way. Sometimes you think you know what you’re doing, and think you’re on the right path, but then the path deviates from where you wanted to be. I know in a lot of ways I lost my way, I lost my faith, and I lost me.  Dear big sister where ever you are in heaven, be my guiding angel, I wasn’t ever meant to be the big sister, I am no leader, I am of course no follower, I dance to my own rhythm, I of course can’t dance gracefully like I would love to have learned. I used to be too shy in dance class to dance, even amongst my class mates. I really wanted to dance though, I love to dance, but being that I can’t  count beats, I can’t even do math, and math is a huge part of dancing. It truly is, I often think that it’s part of why I always doubted my self. I was my biggest enemy because I hated my self even as a young child, sure I had moments when things were okay.  When I read my books, and could escape, things were okay. How I loved Nancy Drew,  how I adored the Hardy Boys,  I really loved My little Ponies, and I loved going to church and singing with the choir even though I wasn’t all that good. Those were some high lights of my life. When I got to middle school, and high school, how I would cry my self to sleep because I couldn’t get a boy friend, perhaps the teenagers were hitting on me, but I couldn’t read those signs. I’ve always been to shy to really read those body languages. Ironically I can tell when someones lying, even if they aren’t talking to me. Haha. Is that irony? I don’t know.

I’m sitting here wishing I had learned to understand and appreciate things more. I’ve always wanted to travel with my kids, and my family, and my sisters and brother, just be able to scoop them up and say we’re going to go on an African Safari  (Not during the super hot weather though). Sadly I know it’s just a dream, because what is my talent, what am I good at? I don’t even have the money to take my short stories and poetry to a publisher to see if I am any good at writing.

While I LOVE to sing, I suck at singing on a professional level, I can’t even rap, I think that begs to the point I couldn’t even really pass basic algebra in high school took it 3 years in a row. Sucks. I don’t think I could pass high school the way it’s set up now.  To point out, that my back hurts so bad that I can barely stand sometimes, my hips are uneven, due to cracking my growth plate at some point, while I was still growing. So now I have one leg that is two inches longer than the other. For a long time my hip on my left side was out of the socket it’s back in the socket but it hurts so damn bad sometimes.  I sleep on a couch which doesn’t help my back or my hips, I also have a knee, that hurts sometimes as well. My feet have suffered badly over the years too, they aren’t pretty like a models feet. I have always felt self conscious about those as well. But there is nothing I can do about any of that, it’s God’s punishment. I will walk on my broken body, and be thankful I can walk. Some can’t even walk, I wish I knew a cure, I wanted to be able to do real magic and heal people.

The song about Bless the Broken Road by the Rascal Flatts, is such a gorgeous song, and it reminds me of well me. I did lose my way, I lost my faith, in trying to do good, inadvertently I did more harm than good.  I hope my friends know I never ever really meant to do any harm. I love you very much, I do.

Anyway, I need to go get some dish soap and scrub brush to the dishes, I also need to clean my home again, chores are a blessing, a thing I can do to make my home nicer, and it makes me happy I can do chores.

-Angie

Tender Hearts

Do you remember Care Bears? The show and the Movie? Yea I remember, barely. It was then I wanted to learn to write. But being hard-headed, and stubborn I stopped applying my self to my school. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t really all that good with school. Even though I did well on those state tests. Except in math. I never really could grasp the hard math concepts. I’ve always admired those who could do math so quickly in their heads. I wish I could do that but my brain and mind are not wired to be that fast of a thinker. In fact with my tendency even as a child to get really bad head aches, I never tried to think too much. Although I loved to read, and I thought I was a decent writer, I could never truly grasp the rules of writing. I wasn’t really a wild child by any means, always an outcast, but I think I only viewed my self as an outcast. I have been damaged since I was a young child. With that damage I created a mental wall, in which I always viewed my self as an outsider. I tried always to be nice, but when people asked me where my dad was, I always lied, I said he was famous, said he as some king, said…he was anything but what he really was, mostly because I didn’t know my dad. I had a step dad named Jay, I sort of blamed him for making my parents break up, mom was pregnant before they got married. I was born out-of-wedlock. I never really belonged or felt that I belonged to any family. I could remember watching Star Trek and other things and movies as a young child at night, and my sister and brother and my mom and step dad Jay would be sitting on the couch but it there was only just enough room for the four of them, and being the 5 ‘wheel’ in the family, I would just sit alone. Mom always tried to make my brother sit with me but that made him resent me. I am so sorry baby brother, I wish I could change things. I love you, so seriously.  My baby sister was my biggest gift to me in my life. She was born a day before my 5th birthday. I love you baby sis, I really do. Then my family got pulled apart. My mom met Rob, a young and feisty man, mom moved out. Maybe I got the details wrong again but anyways, when mom moved out and I stayed with Jay. I couldn’t do all he asked me to do, I wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t old enough.  My brother and sister and I fought all the time. It hurt, I just wanted peace. When ever things got really bad I would go in and try to hide by burying my nose in a book. I’d listen to music, I would draw (Although not well). I often would love to try and paint, I kinda wanted to be a painter, but everyone always said “Angie you can’t be an artist it doesn’t pay.”  You can’t be this you can’t be that. Angie apply your self more. Angie you live in the clouds, this is true I did, sometimes I do (still).  I never wanted to live the life I did, but I love my kids, I really do.  I always wanted a big brother to love and protect me and give me hugs, and make things right. I would have had a big sister but she passed away before I was born. I might have had that chance to have had a “big brother” but I messed it up. I think he did care about me originally in his own way. But yea, I’ll never know.  I just wanted to know why he cared to find me so much, that is one mystery this Nancy Drew will never solve.  I will miss my children, and I love my kids so much, I should have never wanted to be an actress, my stage fright always took over. Stage fright can make you straight so stressed you forget the night, at least in my case. I might of even passed out. Not sure, because I can’t remember those nights.  As a kid I would look at the Tv stars and think they were so glamorous and wanted to live like that. I would watch Aladdin and wanted to be like the princess, exotic and beautiful, except I am not. I still don’t know what my talents are if any. I should have focused more on my children, but I lived in fear, often, had periods of time when my life was okay. But, always in the back of my mind, I had a fear, of being killed, scary, scary, scary. Perhaps irrational, I just should have said no to being a star, no to a lot of things. I just wanted a husband who loved me unconditionally, in every way that mattered, loved my kids, I wanted more kids. I wanted.. a life with all the romance and the reliability of the movies, funny huh?.  To my boys, Joey and Tyler, I love you more than anything in the world. Please understand this.  I love you so much my babies. I miss you when you were little. I really did love your dad, when I was with him, he is a good man, sorry Bryan, I know too little too late.  But I mean it if that counts. I really do wish I had a big brother to lean on to cry on his shoulder. I wish I never ever hurt anyone, I really don’t like hurting people. I really don’t.  Sometimes when you play a game, you’re just the pawn, and being a pawn isn’t fun, nor is it glamorous, nor is it healthy, but sometimes being that pawn got you into trouble you never thought you’d be in.  But it goes without saying, that just typing words on a computer shouldn’t really get you into trouble. But you do have to be careful in what you do or say or who you talk to online. That is a huge lesson. In fact I wouldn’t even say be online except with your own biological family and then only if they want to. I just tend to babel. I suppose what I have to say never really did matter, not even to my ‘big brother’.  I wonder if I ever truly mattered to anyone other than my children and my mom… as my self, to anyone? I am thinking no. Because if I do then I hope they rally up and figure a way to save me. I really suggest the book, at Barnes and Noble “Narnia” the first book,  about the uncle.  It’s eye-opening, seriously.  Anyways I need to be up at a decent hour, and I need to get dish soap, and a scrub pad, so yea… good night.

Angie and her princes!

The lonely princess is looking at her blond princes, and enjoying the time she has with them. With the time she’s allowed with them, she is relaxing and enjoying her big boys, no longer babies. Angie does miss the wit and humor, and tenacity of her Seven big brothers, and her family, she misses her blood brothers, she misses her biological family, and misses having love and family around. She misses her mom, and misses her dads… all of them.  With teary eyes and a snotty nose, she writes, so that her children can read this at a later age, when Angie isn’t around. Perhaps this too will be turned into a book.  The tiny princess mouse has been trapped, and misses her Wolf, her pirates, and her sharks, and her tigers, and… misses missing out on life. Because just if you’re breathing doesn’t mean you are alive.  She’s lost who she was, and just wants to be reminded, and told again of who she is, before she is the food for the fishes. She wants to know who she really is good and bad, before… the darkness consumes her completely. She misses the sun, and rainbows and misses going to do things with her families. She misses the fun, and misses the laughter, honest laughter. She was just a lonely teen when this whole thing started, she wanted to do right, and be there for her family, it got all twisted.  Angie isn’t smart, and isn’t stupid, she’s just bland and vanilla. With love long lost, her heart broken and shattered, and incessant tears falling down, ears plugged, and life sucking. She deserves all the bad in her life, but thinks that in reality, the big bad seven also used her just as much, so who really is to blame. Because Angie, always just followed orders. Scary things do scare her, and wishes she still lived in the light, and did things right.  With the light creeping around her, she is again turning to her bible, in red, and knows she has done much wrong and has much to atone for.  But would like to just know all the details of her life, at the dinner, she hopes all her team members on both sides of the Fae, good and bad, come to the dinner so we can… indeed discuss it all.  She’d like to die, if she has too with clear knowledge of all that she did wrong and right, and then share her apples to those that she wronged, provided that the record keepers on both ends still have the apples. Angie never had control of the apples, and doesn’t remember where things are. She was only fighting for her life, or so she believed. With people telling her who she was consistently, and none of them being right in who she was… she just followed orders, from both sides.  For now she’s going to cuddle her kids watch the television, and read the book Magic Study, and smile in fond memories of the fun she had.  Even though it wasn’t her right to have that kind of fun.  Her eldest brother… was really mean and truly did scare her. She was full of bluster, and false bravado. So with a heavy heart, and eyes swollen from crying, and a stuffy nose, (wasn’t sick before I arrived at my parents house).  I am drinking out of my Dave and Busters Mug, I had my Polar Bear Mug yesterday. I did do my parents dishes, and I did catch up on the laundry… I regret not cleaning my place before leaving, I should always make time to do my chores, and I wish I was smart enough to really go to college. Angie is not smart, never was. Reading comprehension is beyond me, yet Angie enjoys reading, and she enjoys writing.  Plot, is the hard part, she will never be good at that.

To my love, the one who really loves me, who claims he hates me, you know you allowed me to get away with this, because you wanted me to. I would like to talk to you face to face, one last time before the dinner. I will need a baby sitter, kids must be protected, I do believe that.  With all my heart and all my love, no not sugar, just love, full of rainbows, and sharks, and hearts, and butterflies, and tigers, and all the things that make this world beautiful, I will come to the last supper,  I never meant to make anyone mad, not intentionally anyway. My heart is full of fear, my intestines burn, I am having trouble digesting food again. I am sure it’s due to stress, gotta be.  I just want the world put back to right again, and I would rather be a part of the solution than part of the destruction.

-Angie